Baby Bean is Growing

 BabyFruit Ticker

Thursday, August 26, 2004

the government stole my toad

OK, so I'm learning more and more about the strange and complex place that is fan fiction. For example, I recently learned noticed that if one person said, "I believe in trees," then another person might reply, "Oh well, I’m more pumpkin pie." I also noticed that lots of people had funny things in their signatures on the message boards that said things like "Official Pillow Fight Referee on the S.S. Thorn N' Buck" or "Keeper of the Squick on the H.M.S. Guns and Handcuffs."

So I went on a quest to find out what this inanity was all about. I discovered that, in fan fiction, most people have a favorite "ship" (short for relationship) like Ron and Hermione, or Harry and Ginny, and that people have named these ships. So "I Believe in Trees" is Ron and Hermione, "Pumpkin Pie" is Harry and Hermione and so on. When someone asks "What ship do you sail?" they are asking what your favorite Harry Potter relationship is. It's all very much like a code...

Well. I recently found a key to ALL the names of ALL the ships that are even humanly possible -- and some that aren't. It boggles the mind. Really. Really boggling. I found it was something like an accident on the highway: it was disturbing, but I somehow couldn’t look away. It’s massive, and a lot of it is really really wrong, but it’s also really damned funny.

Some of the "ships" are what they call canon -- or relationships that could conceivably happen in the real Harry Potter books. So, for instance, "Orange Crush" is Harry and Ginny. "Flaming Toad" is Ginny and Neville. "The Government Stole My Toad" is Neville and Luna.

Then there are those that are definately NOT canon.

Cardigans and Chains – Argus Filch/Umbridge
Cat and Dog – Sirius/Arabella Figg
Neon – Sirius/Tonks
Pride and Prejudice – Severus Snape/McGonagall

And then they get even WEIRDER...

Guns and Handcuffs - Harry/Draco
Minds On Fire - Hermione/Ginny
Prince and Pauper - Ron/Draco
WolfStar - Remus/Sirius
Wheezing Snitches – Fred/Harry

And then they just get really icky... But we won't talk about those in polite company.

This is barely a sample. It goes on and on and on with characters even I have never heard of. There’s some random Slytherin named Blaise Zambini that everyone loves – like the Boba Fett of Harry Potter...

P.S. They sell tee shirts that say "The Government Stole My Toad" with a cute picture of a paranoid toad. I want one. And by the way, "I believe in trees..."

talented friends

Oh man oh man! I am so lucky that there are talented people out there on the net just waiting to help out with stuff if you ask nicely enough!

I wanted a banner to help advertise my Harry Potter story, so I asked nicely in one of the forums and LOOK what I got in return:

(I know it's inky dinky small, but otherwise I couldn't make it fit in the column. Click on the image to see a full-sized version.)

WOW! Isn't that the coolest?? I love it!

Thanks a million to Bitter Epiphany on for helping me out. =)

And, of course, you can always read the story here.

Monday, August 23, 2004

wedding dress

I wrote a little blurb about my wedding dress experience at our wedding blog. Check it out.

Monday, Monday

Monday, Monday, how I hate thee
Let me count the ways:
One for weekends gone and done
And one for weekday haze.
Two for days that went to fast
And three for headache pain,
Four for days until I rest
And five: I struggle to stay sane.
Oh Monday, Monday, how you plague me
With your weary ways.
I want to go back to my Sunday:
Laziest of days.
Caffeine consumption's going up,
My blood pressure is too;
Thank God you come but once a week

I would not survive two.

Friday, August 20, 2004

a dream i had a few nights ago

I am walking and a young boy comes up to me and says, "Your boy is gone, miss." And I tell him, "I don't have a boy." I am confused, and I think the boy has mistaken me for someone else. Then my friend comes up to me with a very serious and worried expression on his face. He is tall and thin and has short red hair and freckles. His eyes are blue. He puts his arm around me and leads me to spot of wall below some wide white marble stairs. We kneel down before a square of white marble which starts to play, like a movie, and I am afraid. I know that my friend sees the future this way, and I am afraid of what would be so important that he would want to show me.

The pictures in front of us show another young boy, and he is MY boy; not my son, but a boy I love and care for. He is far far away in a big city, and he is running, running away from something, afraid of something or someone who is after him. I become anxious. I want to get up and do something, go to him, find him and help him, but my friend holds me there, saying nothing. The picture is not finished. Suddenly, I realize what is about to happen and I start to scream and cry out. I scream "NO!" and yell the boy's name as I watch. I try to push my friend away, but he only holds me tighter, and our eyes are riveted to the picture. Suddenly my boy, still running from his pursuer, runs out into the street and I scream as he is hit by a car.

Friday, August 13, 2004


As I was driving today, I found myself behind a car whose license plate read "TRYGOD" next to the "Forgiven" and "Grandmas Rock!" bumper stickers. I found myself wondering about this missive.

Was it directed to me, the average motorist, who might be contemplating her problems, seeking an answer? Was it intended to be the manifestation of a sign for those seeking guidance with nowhere else to turn? Did this grandma in her volvo have in mind to turn heads and hearts with her vanity plates? And if so, which god? Being that the "Forgiven" bumper sticker was right next to the message, I assumed she was Christian, but would a Muslim or a Jew assume she was? What would a Buddhist or a Hindu think on looking at her car? Would they think the message was meant for them as well? Would they find comfort in its grandmotherly suggestion, or would they find it offensive?

What if, in fact, the message were not meant for any mortal. What if it were a plea to the divine not to give up on his earthly children? What if those metal letters were a prayer, asking the almighty for his best efforts, which is, after all, all anyone can ask? Was it a request for something in particular? Try to help people learn to use their turn signals, or try to stop the war, or try to feed the children, or try not to forget us or blame us for our infantile ignorance.

Does this grandma in her Volvo know the spiritual controversy she's sparked in me? No. She drives along oblivious, silently urging us one and all to simply try.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

How cool is this?

Well, you no longer have to be Elvis or the Governator to get your picture on a stamp. I just found this site which will put any photo at all on a stamp! Granted, the stamps cost a bit more than your average $0.37, but how cool would it be to have your own picture on a stamp?? Very cool if you ask me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

fun pictures of HP cast

As a newly obsessed member of the Harry Potter fan fiction community, I am enjoying all the new sites and things, and I just found this site which has cute pictures and funny commentary from the Harry Potter PoA premier in New York.

And I wanted to share.


Please go read my story!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

he-who-must-not-be-named has a name!

...and it is Finnes! Check it out!

I think he definately has the face for it, and the evil acting experience...

"I didn't go to four years of evil medical school to be called MR.!"

(OK, that has nothing to do with anything, I just thought it was funny...)

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Yes, this is how allison and i spend our day

-----Original Message-----From: Allison Hollingsworth [] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 11:46 AMTo: Boggs, LacySubject: RE: *snap*snap*snap*snap*snap*

Hehe, I’m glad you like Geena’s poem. I thought this one was rather deep and emotional. I’m sure it was straight from the heart.

My general manager is sitting in the office in front of me and he just screamed “I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT… AND I LIKE IT HOT!!!!!”
Is it ok that I’m a little bit scared right now?

-----Original Message-----From: Boggs, Lacy [] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 11:53 AMTo: Allison HollingsworthSubject: RE: *snap*snap*snap*snap*snap*

I wish – OH HOW I WISH!! – that I had someone I could share this with who would understand how almighty effing hilarious it is. But there isn’t anyone but you and me who have dwelt in corn shard land and seen the other side... Brandon doesn’t even understand my cardinal in a bottle picture...

Honestly, I actually had to get a tissue and wipe my eyes I was laughing so hard when I read this.

I love you! You are hilarious! You are a goddess of funny. Amen.

But I don’t quite know how to follow it up... Another haiku seems a cop out after the work you put into ‘green suede pumps of joy’...


I think I’ll have to take it to the next level and add... interpretive dance! (You’ll just have to imagine my dance moves... They’re gonna be GREAT!)

Whirr whirr
Of the computer
Spinning! SPINNING!
Little fan
And oh,
The mighty roar of the
Photocopy machine – its lamp a light
In the existential darkness
Shining back and forth...
Back and forth...
Back and forth...
Glug and hiss of the water cooler
Like a broken rubber duck
Of the fingers on the keys
If a person types
In an empty office
Does anyone hear them scream?

Thank you.
Just Jack!

-----Original Message-----From: Allison Hollingsworth [] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 10:39 AMTo: Boggs, LacySubject: *snap*snap*snap*snap*snap*

Next up for Open Mike Night, I present you with a poem from our old friend Geena.

“Hi, my name is Geena, and I’m a cross-dresser. I’ve written a poem that I’m going to recite for you today about a new pair of pumps I bought this weekend. This particular pair changed my life forever… they just… well I think that you’ll understand when you hear my poem.

Blue sneaker, blue sneaker,
Brown Birkenstock,
I saw you, bright spectacle,
Among the round, the pointed, the block…

You spoke to me, in your own little way
I almost didn’t hear you
Over the TJ MAxx P.A.

But oh, how I love you,
My lime green suede pumps.
I love you so much that
My adam’s apple makes a lump

With the tears of joy I cried
To see your price
Was a mere $7.95!

I took you home as fast as I could, and I haven’t taken you off since, and I have no meter or rhyming skills when it comes to writing poetry but that is absolutely no reflection of me as a cross dresser.

Thank you.”

No, Geena, thank YOU.

-----Original Message-----From: Boggs, Lacy [] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 11:18 AMTo: Allison HollingsworthSubject: I call it: what they think about in hell

Amen sistah friend.

I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to say. So I will say it in a haiku:

Boredom in the cube
I feel my mind slip away
Florescent abyss

Thank you.

-----Original Message-----From: Allison Hollingsworth [] Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 10:10 AMTo: Boggs, LacySubject: I call it: A Love Affair Not Meant to be Today

Friday, oh Friday, where have you been?
Even a day’s too long to wait ere I see your face again.

Our affairs are too short, the waiting betwixt way too long,
If I were more talented I would sing you a song

Of how lovely you make me feel,
How the week’s icky layers, just seem to peel

Off my soul and replaced is my joy at being one with the weekend.
Being one with the weekend.
Being one with the weekend.
The weekend.

Friday, oh Friday, where have you been?
Even a day’s too long to wait ere I see your face again.

Monday, August 02, 2004

sadistic hell-beast of doom

I think all cats have alter egos when it comes to visiting the vet.

My adorably sweet and cuddly kitty Cleopatra becomes sadistic hell-beast of doom when she has to go to the vet. Seriously. She makes this god awful low growling mrower noise that would scare Lucifer right back to wherever he came from. The first time I took her to the vet, I had her in a carrying thing that looks like a tote bag with mesh sides. There was a man in the waiting room with me who had two miniature poodles, both of which were smaller than my 10 lb cat. For some reason, however, she found them incredibly threatening and hissed continuously until the man asked me if I had a snake in the tote bag. Seriously.

When I took her into the exam room and removed her from the bag, she promptly bit the hell out of my hand and dashed under the table. I had to put my denim jacket on my arms backwards to protect my hands from the tornado of claws and teeth as I pried her out from under the bench. It was a horrific experience.

But when she's at home, she's perfectly normal. She cuddles. She purrs. She bears absolutely no resemblance to the hell beast.

(Inspired by this post on the Amature Gourmet.)

roger ebert waxes poetic on the merits of fast food hamburgers

This, from Ebert's review of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle made me laugh:

""Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle," on the other hand, is about two very specific roommates who want to smoke pot, meet chicks and eat sliders in the middle of the night. Because this column is read in Turkey, Botswana, Japan and California, I should explain that "sliders" are what fans of the White Castle chain call their hamburgers, which are small and cheap and slide right down. We buy 'em by the bag.
Is a slider worth the trouble leaving home and journeying through two states? If you're stoned and have the munchies, as Harold and Kumar are, and if you're in the grip of a White Castle obsession, the answer is clearly yes. The only hamburger worth that much trouble when you're clean and sober is at Steak 'n Shake. Californians believe the burgers at In 'n Out are better, but that is because they do not appreciate the secret of Steak 'n Shake, expressed in its profound credo, "In Sight, It Must Be Right." (Many people believe the names of In 'n Out and Steak 'n Shake perfectly describe the contrast in bedroom techniques between the coast and the heartland.)"