the government stole my toad

OK, so I'm learning more and more about the strange and complex place that is fan fiction. For example, I recently learned noticed that if one person said, "I believe in trees," then another person might reply, "Oh well, I’m more pumpkin pie." I also noticed that lots of people had funny things in their signatures on the message boards that said things like "Official Pillow Fight Referee on the S.S. Thorn N' Buck" or "Keeper of the Squick on the H.M.S. Guns and Handcuffs."

So I went on a quest to find out what this inanity was all about. I discovered that, in fan fiction, most people have a favorite "ship" (short for relationship) like Ron and Hermione, or Harry and Ginny, and that people have named these ships. So "I Believe in Trees" is Ron and Hermione, "Pumpkin Pie" is Harry and Hermione and so on. When someone asks "What ship do you sail?" they are asking what your favorite Harry Potter relationship is. It's all very much like a code...

Well. I recently found a key to ALL the names of ALL the ships that are even humanly possible -- and some that aren't. It boggles the mind. Really. Really boggling. I found it was something like an accident on the highway: it was disturbing, but I somehow couldn’t look away. It’s massive, and a lot of it is really really wrong, but it’s also really damned funny.

Some of the "ships" are what they call canon -- or relationships that could conceivably happen in the real Harry Potter books. So, for instance, "Orange Crush" is Harry and Ginny. "Flaming Toad" is Ginny and Neville. "The Government Stole My Toad" is Neville and Luna.

Then there are those that are definately NOT canon.

Cardigans and Chains – Argus Filch/Umbridge
Cat and Dog – Sirius/Arabella Figg
Neon – Sirius/Tonks
Pride and Prejudice – Severus Snape/McGonagall

And then they get even WEIRDER...

Guns and Handcuffs - Harry/Draco
Minds On Fire - Hermione/Ginny
Prince and Pauper - Ron/Draco
WolfStar - Remus/Sirius
Wheezing Snitches – Fred/Harry

And then they just get really icky... But we won't talk about those in polite company.

This is barely a sample. It goes on and on and on with characters even I have never heard of. There’s some random Slytherin named Blaise Zambini that everyone loves – like the Boba Fett of Harry Potter...

P.S. They sell tee shirts that say "The Government Stole My Toad" with a cute picture of a paranoid toad. I want one. And by the way, "I believe in trees..."