It occurred to me this morning that I haven't been writing much in this blog lately. Like many things with me, once the newness wears off, I am less excited and less inclined to pay as much attention to it. But I like this little forum for expression, even if no one reads it except me, so I intend to continue with it, no matter how sporadically.

This morning I am searching for something. As you may or may not know, I have recently restarted my weight loss efforts by beginning to attend Weight Watchers meetings. (That was a difficult sentence for me to type! I know that my family and friends do occasionally read this blog, and I've always been embarrassed about admitting that I need a "diet" or a "program" to facilitate my weight loss. But there, I've said it. It's all out now!) I'm also using their online service, mainly because I like the discussion forums. Basically, anyone can become a member of the online service and post messages to one another on these electronic "bulletin boards." Up until recently, these were a strong catalyst for me to remain "on plan" as the W.W. lingo goes.

But lately I find that I need something a little more substantial. Every day I have a group of women that I post with. We all know each other (online only) and know a little about everyone's families, situations, and struggles. But lately, just showing up and chewing the fat hasn't really been doing it for me. I really want more of a support group; I need more insightful discussion and inspiration to keep going with this life change I've begun. I need Dr. Phil to pop in each morning and give us a topic to discuss. And I don't want to just gloss over it on the way to recounting what we had for dinner, or what petty fight we might be having with our significant other. I want real discussion, real insight, real people giving one another support.

I like attending the meetings in person, even though I wasn't sure I would. But you don't get this kind of discussion there either. The leader always seems a little rushed to get through the W.W. approved curriculum for the evening, and there's little time or room for open discussion. It's also funny to see that, although we're all coming together for a common reason, we sit with empty chairs between us, we don't talk to people we don't know. I think I will keep going, because the weekly weigh ins keep me honest, and I do enjoy hearing what the leader has to say, but it still isn't satisfying my need for discussion and analysis.

I'm still stuck on the why of my weight problem. Yes, I know that eating too much over a long period of time and not getting enough exercise is what caused my weight gain, but there's more to it than that or it would be easy for me to stop those habits and start good ones. Some people pooh-pooh the idea of obesity being a disease, but I believe it is -- a mental disease. Why else to I reach for food whenever I feel depressed? Why do I comfort myself and my loved ones with food? Why else would I sabotage my own efforts for the sake of a pint of ice cream or a piece of cake. I'm getting more from that dessert than empty calories, I know that now.

But somehow the knowing isn't enough. It's like knowing you shouldn't exceed the speed limit, or knowing that fruits and vegetables are better for you than cookies and chips. If knowing made it so we'd all be thin, and rich, and organized, and well read, and active people. But we're not, even though we know how to accomplish those things. So there is some disconnect between the knowing and the doing.

I'm really not working towards any particular point here, it's just a line of thinking I've been following. I'm working on the doing. I'm making teeny tiny baby steps in the right direction. But as Allison so wittily pointed out to me, babies fall on their ass sometimes too, but they usually just laugh about it.

I'm working on that, too.