So the husband and I were all ready for a nice leisurely lie in this morning -- we'd been talking about it all week, how we would sleep in on Saturday. Apparently, the cat had other plans.

We were woken at around 5:30 by the sound of Cleopatra tearing the foil off of Brandon's terrarium. He, of course, leaped out of bed to chase and chastise, and by the time he got back, we were both wide awake.

So we have spent the last three hours lying in bed, watching the early, early news and have now switched to cartoons. We have had coffee and toast.

It's a good Saturday after all.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop with a bunch of community college rejects "studying" really loudly, a 50-something guy in a leather motorcycle jacket letting two slightly younger women "in" on the sordid world of Hollywood, and a kindred spirit -- a man with a powerbook in his lap and a moleskine notebook propped open, scribbling wildly all by himself in a corner.

Subtlety much?

I was feeling down on myself today. My hair wasn't doing what it was supposed to, or my face was broken out, or my clothes didn't fit the way I would like them too, or my cramps have returned in force, or I don't exercise the way I should, or I don't eat as I ought. Or whatever it was today.

And I was getting into that very negative spiral of comparing myself to people I admire (envy?), saying I wish I were as together as Friend A, or as empathetic as Friend B, or as cool as Friend C. I wish I were more like my sister in this way, more like my husband in that way, more like all these women in my SELF magazine.

And I was feeling down because I didn't measure up.

But, trying to make the best of a quiet, lazy, sunny Sunday afternoon, I put on my shorts and my tank top, and hid my shame at my blubbery whiteness behind a pair of sunglasses and headed to the apartment complex pool to soak up some sun, and there weren't too many beautiful people there, so I stayed. I lay on my back, reading my book for a while, and then I flipped over, facing the pool, to get some sun on my back.

That's when a man and his wife came through the gate. And I thought to myself, "How brave they are, a middle aged couple, not caring about the beautiful bikini-clad people, intent on enjoying some--"

And that is when I realized that the man had two prosthetic legs.

I suddenly had a whole new concept of brave as I circumspectly watched him unstrap his prostheses, climb down off his chair onto his knees, and crawl over to the edge of the pool where he laughed with his wife about how cold the water was before diving right in.

He wasn't physically fit, or any great body beautiful. He wasn't ashamed, either. He was laughing with another man sunbathing by the pool's edge, enjoying the sun and the water and his ability to move unfettered in it.

And I started to cry just a little bit. Because I was worried about being too pale, or 15 pounds overweight, or about having a little acne.

Yeah. OK, universe. I get it.

Life. Don't talk to me about life.

It's Friday, I only have to work a part-day, and I'm doing my damndest not to do any *actual* work today, hence you find me updating this blog which has been sadly neglected over the last few weeks.

It seems, from where I'm sitting, that not a lot has been going on, but I know that at least a few things have, so, in no particular order:

• I was going to go to Vegas with my bosses for the jewelry trade shows that go on there the first week in June, and I was all excited, and I had put in for a hotel room at the Wynn -- but now it looks like that's not going to happen. They were unable to finagle free day passes to the Couture show for me or any of my coworkers, and are unwilling to actually purchase badges for us (at $1300 a pop), so they have decided that our presence, once so vital to their wellbeing and success at the shows, is no longer required. Guess it's good I didn't run out and buy a new suit.
• The first term of my writing class ended this week, but the next one starts up next week, so I'll still have something to keep me out of trouble. I'm enjoying it, and everyone liked the piece I turned in for my last assignment, so that's a bonus.
• Also, I somehow got elected to lead an outside writing group for some of us from the class and our first meeting is tomorrow. Color me excited.
  
• My medicines are making me less wonky every day. At first I was really sick to my stomach and lethargic a lot, but that seems to be getting better. On the other hand, I've had one or two instances of shooting pains again, so that's not so good. But, at least it's not every day now. Vast improvement there. Supposed to go back to the doc to check on everything in another month or so.
• The French dinner was a great success. The leek soup, somewhat less so. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and my tummy decided that two days (really, I only got through one day) of leeks was WAY too much of a good thing.
  
• Speaking of leeks, we had a weird leak in the ceiling of our bathroom. Luckily, the ceiling has been painted over so many times, none of the water was actually leaking into the house -- it just formed this huge distended bubble in the ceiling that was squishy to the touch. Very odd. We were coming up with alternative plans of where to shower should the need to tear out the wall arise, but the handy man came and just took out a section of the ceiling, fixed the leaky pipe, and put a new piece back in the ceiling. (No telling if this actually fixed the whole problem -- like, what about mold, right? But we're not going to be here long enough to care, we hope. *Fingers crossed.*)
  

And honestly, I think that's it. I told you nothing interesting was going on out here. Y'all may think I'm holding out on you, but really I'm just sparing you from "Today I watched TV and went to bed," type posts.

You can thank me later.

a la francaise

I bought French Women Don't Get Fat last week, and have slowly been reading it and digesting the advice. I like the idea of it. It's much more a common sense approach to staying slim and healthy than even Weight Watchers. I really love the idea of being encouraged to eat my favorite foods rather than trying to find substitutions for them. I have always vaguely thought that it can't really be any healthier to eat "diet" foods that are packed with chemicals to make them lower in fat and calories -- even as I was scarfing down diet cookies and chips. A reduced fat tortilla chip that is healthier because it is fried in healthier oil is one thing, but a cookie with nothing in it that even resembles the Toll House recipe you're trying to replace can't be good for you.

Anyway, I really like the idea of identifying my biggest offenders and slowly reducing them. Nothing dramatic that I can't stick to. Nothing horrendous.

I have a plan for this weekend. Or, I am forming said plan as we speak. Tonight, I want to create a really great dinner for me and the husband. A true menu in the French sense. Then, I'm going to make the magic leek soup for this weekend and just lay low a bit. Maybe, if I feel up to it, I will go to the OC swap meet and look for some pretty accessories for my table. I really want to embrace the idea of eating with purpose.

Because, it ocurred to me today: the "secret" to being happy is just doing what you love. What do I love? I love food. There has to be a way to love it and still stay slim and healthy.

In any case, I will do the magic leek soup weekend and then begin fresh on Monday. I also want to try to clean and organize the kitchen a bit. Nothing makes me want to cook LESS than a messy dirty kitchen.

on this day in history

An interesting day for history. Casts of a fossil (above) discovered in Canada are set to be put on display in London this week depicting an animal which appears to be part fish, part land animal.

Two points to Darwin on this one.

And, in another interesting story, the National Geographic Society is putting pages on display today of what they believe may be the lost Gospel of Judas Iscariot. From an interview on the NPR website describing the content of the document:

Judas is a different kind of character. He's the person who is asked to make the ultimate sacrifice. And that sacrifice is to sacrifice the life of Jesus in order that Jesus may attain eternity and immortality. And Judas is the one who enables all of us to help find that inner spark within ourselves. I think that the gospel of Judas Iscariot is actually a very reverent document coming from approximately the 2nd century -- well after the four gospels accepted as the canonical gospels were actually written. We don't really know 100 percent that it's Judas' account. We know that a writer in the 2nd century told this story, which is the story of the encounter between Judas Iscariot and Jesus some time after the Resurrection. Judas is actually Jesus' best friend. Judas is the one who enables Jesus to fulfill his mission -- to die and to release that inner spark within himself and within all of us that is the divine.

Up with grups

An awesome article from New York Magazine about my generation and who we're turning out to be.

mmm... forbidden croissant...

This whole life thing? Isn't going so well for me.

Yesterday was hard. I had to go to the DMV, AND to work, AND sell my car. It was an emotionally tumultuous day. Plus it rained all day long and Californians just really can't handle that.

Fortunately, the DMV wasn't terrible. I got there before it opened, and so I was only there for about an hour total, including the time I waited in line before it opened, so that wasn't bad. I had packed books and peanutbutter sandwiches in case I was stuck there all day, but I wasn't.

Then, I had planned on being stuck there all day, so I had told the work folks that I wouldn't be in until around noon, so I went to a coffee shop and hung out and tried to write. It was OK. I felt guilty pretty much the whole time though. Forbidden croissants are never as tasty as you think they'll be.

Then I came home, and the whole reason I went to the DMV was to re-up the registration so we could sell my Camry, so Brandon wanted to go right then and sell it. So we had some dinner and then went to the place and sold it.

And I was sad. Very sad.

And wet. Because of the hurricane, which was really only rain, but.

Then, when we came home, our entire block was blacked out, and we couldn't get into the parking lot because the gate is electric. So we parked across the street and got REALLY wet walking back to the apartment, and then we had to scramble around and try to find candles and things, and it was just very exhausting.

It was a very long day. I feel like I need to sleep for about another twelve hours or so, but I'm here, at work, in my office, in the non-rain, and my intern girl is supposed to come today, so I have to act normal and do stuff.

But I don't wanna.

p.s.

(I really don't want to do any work today, but my intern here and she is working hard, bless her heart, so I feel like I have to do stuff. CURSES!)

reading material

I go through a lot of women's magazines at work (for the jewelry ads -- I swear!) including bridal magazines, and I have a few thoughts.

1. They should not all arrive on the same day. When they arrive all on the same day and I forget to bring my handy-dandy canvas Trader Joe's shopping bag, it makes for complicated parking and walking into the office procedures.

2. JANE is very hard to read. From a design standpoint, it's probably the coolest, but only if you just want to look at the pictures. If you actually want any information, fuggetaboutit.

3. Marie Claire is definitely the stinkiest, and also one of the trashiest of the expensive magazines. (Last month's issue informed me that 70% of Costa Rican men have problems with premature ejaculation. WHY DO I CARE???? Are there so many Costa Ricans in my life that I should be concerned about this, even tangentially?)

4. Britany Spears keeps Us Weekly in print. (Yes, the boss lady gets Us Weekly. I don't read that one, but I can tell what side their bread is buttered on just from the covers.)

5. Vogue is too damned pretentious. It has articles that say things like, "Fabulous Spring Fashions for Every Budget!" and then, the cheapest thing they mention is an $85 pair of sunglasses. No thanks. Good photography, though.

6. I gravitate much more towards the self improvement type magazines like Shape and SELF. I like the health info mixed in with the fashion tips, and I appreciate that they espouse a healthy lifestyle as opposed to anorexia. I tend to steal those from the office for my personal use -- and then I bring them back! I swear!!!

7. I take Brandon the Automobile magazine and Robb Report any time they have a car issue.

8. I love bridal magazines. They were my secret little indulgence when I was engaged, (and maybe a bit before) and now I get to look at them all for FREE! Also? We were way ahead of our time. Callas are STILL in, purple is the hottest look of the season, it is totally chic to have your bridesmaids wear different dresses, and I still haven't seen a wedding dress I like more than mine. So there.