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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

useless mutant ability

So, a long time ago, I used to read this series of books by Piers Anthony about this magical place called Xanth. In Xanth, everyone is born with one magical ability, but unfortunately, most people's abilities are what they call "spot on the wall" talents, or quite frankly, pretty useless, like the ability to make a yellow spot appear on a wall.

There were, of course, some people who were born with very useful magical talents like talking to animals, or growing plants, or making illusions, and they were the rulers of Xanth.

In the X-Men series, all the mutants have pretty useful mutant abilites (except maybe Toad), but I would imagine that if that were to ACTUALLY happen, most people would get pretty useless mutant abilities.

As a matter of fact, I think it's already begun.

I have, as far as I can tell, TWO completely unrelated, and wholly useless mutant abilities.

The first is the uncanny ability to discern smells. That's right. I have a peculiar alacrity for scents. Somebody sniffs and says, "What's that funny smell?" and I'm there with an answer. "Broccoli," I say, or "tacos," or "skunk." But, on the whole, unless I wanted to get a job with a perfume manufacturer, it isn't a terribly useful talent, is it?

The second, and altogether less impressive of my mutant abilities is the ability to always pick the longest line. That's right. In a supermarket, at the bank, going through a toll booth, you name it. If there is a choice of two or more lines, I will always ALWAYS pick the one that will take longer. Even if one line has twelve people and the other has two, if I pick the line with two people, the first person will have to write a check, and the second will need a price check on diapers, and by the time I get through, all twelve people from the other line will be long gone. As a matter of fact, I have even noticed that if Brandon asks me which line to pick, he will pick the opposite of my choice. It is invariably a good decision. So, you see, it is not, in any sense of the word, a useful mutant ability.

I can't be the only one who has noticed this. There must be others of you out there, somewhere, harboring your useless mutant abilities.

So I ask you, what's yours?

6 comments:

Cali Girl said...

I can memorize the most obscure lines of conversation, usually from TV shows, and recite them verbatim at will.

"C'mon Snoop! We're going streaking! Bring your green hat!"

See?

Lacy: Who Needs a Hat To Sing? said...

OH MY GOD!! Does that mean that my uncanny ability to memorize song lyrics counts too? I mean, I can sing the entire libbretto from about six musicals, backwards and forwards...

That can't be normal, can it??

Cali Girl said...

Yes my dear, I think that is also one of your Mutant Powers. You never know when something like that could come in handy.

I also have the ability to spot a Saab at any distance within my field of vision. I can tell a Saab just by seeing a tail light, a wheel, or a hood.
This particular ability really gets on my nerves.

Anonymous said...

Oh children, I take such comfort in knowing some things never change. It may look like you've typed your comments here, but I have the mutant ability to actually hear your voices and go back to the days of the Billy Big Show or Cornshard Land....Thank you! I feel so superior to be able to hear what you type and know exactly how you both sound...and that one of you will feed off the other for hours if left unattended...

Ruth said...

Great Post!

I can repeat verbatim any lines of artificial language featured in a TV show or movie I have seen. Don't ask me any of the names of the shows, their actors or any actual English lines, just any fake language they used.

I also detect living things from very far away, especially spiders.

My husband can tell you what is wrong with a computer just by sitting near it for a while. They also seem to spontaneously heal in his presence.

Lacy: Who Needs a Hat To Sing? said...

See?? I knew I couldn't be the only one! Useless mutant abilitys abound, people just fail to recognize thme for what they truly are...

=D